Monday, April 17, 2006

Melbourne is the place to be

Queen Elizabeth II
Buckingham Palace

Dear Liz,

Great galloping goannas! Since the Commonwealth Games last month, you should really take a squiz at Melbourne as a place to lay your hat (s). I’m told that Tony and Cherie liked the place so much that they were looking to pull up stumps to move out here. We thought it was all a bit suss and Cherie was just looking for a place to be King Dick for a while. My mates were grinning like shot foxes when they heard that. This place needs more tall poppies, like London needs more rain – ha.

Let me tell you something for free - Melbourne is not a place to vege-out in your trackie-daks and thongs, though. By jingos, by crikey, you can’t be a tight-arse and own a home here – well, maybe out in the sticks you can.

Melbourne is sport capital of the world, well, its up there with Manchester. Slap-bang in the middle of a whopping great big bay – you better get in before the Septic Tanks come over from Houston.

The G is great for the footy and the cricket, there’s Keating’s Grand Prix, and I hear that you love the gg’s. Melbourne’s also the home of VB and when the weather’s on it can be a real scorcher – perfect for you and your hats. Best coffee in the world, thanks to the wogs – I kid you not. The Frenchies can bugger off though.

I heard recently that when you were last out in Oz, you opened the races in Gundagai. Apparently you told Price Philip about the place, and he asked “Wear the fox hat?”. I think he’s being rude – flamin’ galah.

Melbourne is an hour from the snow, and an hour away from the beach. When the surf is up at Bell’s, it’s better than a kick in the teeth. You pommies wouldn’t have anything to grizzle about in Melbourne.

After Sydney and the Olympics, property prices went up like a rat up a drain-pipe. The locals threw a wobbly as home prices went through the roof – I feel that there may have been a few quiet rip-offs though as the locals took advantage. How’s the serenity? Have you ever seen the film – The Castle?

Saw in the papers that you’re about to turn 80 (did you and Hugh Hefner know each other as kids?) – congratulations. Hope the Duke puts on a bit of a do for you – something really lairy with plenty of liquid amber, a few steaks and prawns on the Barbie, and a great big pavlova.

Anyway, give Melbourne a burl, next time you’re Down Under.

No wuckin’ furries.


Bruce Dingham


At Tuesday, 18 April, 2006, Blogger Damian said...

Good on ya mate. Ta muchly!

You'ge just wiped out the efforts of a generation of us well educated pucker Aussies to dispel the Bazza McKenzie Ocker Aussie myth in the eyes of the Brits.

I'm off to write something serious about American hedgemony over Britain and the exploitation of Chinese consumers by Mercedes Benz by way of recompense. You'll see it in a couple of days because first I've got to review about three weeks of travelling and reading on

And I'm emailing Phillip Adams right now, because he created the whole bloody mess in the first place with those reprobates Crocker and Humphries.

Melbourne: pig's bum! Who wants to live an hour from the beach? There's a reason Sydney house prices are so expensive - people want to live there!

You fargone Queenslanders are all the same.

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